New Beginnings...
I used to think that life can best be characterized by a rose; it starts off as a fragile bud, promising in its beauty and freshness. Nourishment from water and sunlight serves as a catalyst for it to slowly unfurl its petals... unveiling wonderful experiences and beautiful memories until at last, it reaches its full splendor; a rose in full bloom, ensnaring the world with its captivating beauty and lingering fragrance. For a time it lingers in this beauty, until slowly, it fades away. Letting go of each delicate petal one by one, bidding goodbye to old friends and to the glorious moments... until finally, it withers and fades into forgotten-ness.
I remember talking to my angel about goodbyes. Goodbyes are inevitable, as each moment can only linger for so long, and each person cannot be caged in a definite here and now. But then I realized that goodbyes need not be permanent not necessary. For every memory that fades away can be cataclysmic of newer, more wonderful tomorrows. Too optimistic? Not really... I have come to the conclusion that life, more than being just a single perfect blossom, is actually a rosebush in full bloom. A single flower may stand out and be the focus of others' attention and our own, but though this seemingly perfect blossom may wither and fade away, newer buds would start to grow and take its place. Life is a perfect symphony of blossoms. And with proper nourishment from water, soil, and sunlight the rosebush would thrive and bloom. In a similar fashion, life viewed with optimism and faith, and generoulsy showered with love, would surely be a treasure trove of beautiful memories, inspiring moments, and valuable lessons.
And so I bid farewell to this domain... and start anew with chronicling my dreams and memories elsewhere. I look to the future with much faith, hope, and love...
reflections for one the last time...
Human life is bound by so many preoccupations that we seldom have the time to really reflect upon ourselves and what we want out of life. And when we do get the rare chance for introspection we, more often than not, think of things to look forward to... of initiatives we could take... of new beginnings...
One night a few weeks ago, my angel and I stumbled upon the topic of our ideal final 24 hours. Unlikely, I know, for your final hours to be "ideal" as we all want to live well beyond our years. We got to talking and eventually, the tears seemed inevitable as the looming prospect of "the end" permeated our consciousness.
That discussion has borne two essays that my angel and I wrote, both entitled The Last Day Virus. I'd like to share the full text of both entries here and I hope that anyone who reads this would be touched and would realize that life is too short for things, especially people, to be taken for granted.
reflections for one the last time: the virus files
The Last Day Virus
by SniperAngel
Imagine being cursed with a virus that has a 100% death rate. A virus that will keep you healthy and full of energy, but will only allow you to survive until you close your eyes and sleep.
It was a beautiful morning. Staring at the serene blue clouds, I felt like I was being born again in His grace. My girlfriend prepares our breakfast, together with the family. It is a heartwarming experience. Everything is in order, everything seems so perfect... I could only wish it won't end.
It was 9am... We talk about the memories we've shared at the terrace. Sitting on a bed of fresh bermuda grass we can feel each other's hearts beating in synchronization, relishing every second because we know it can't happen again. I can remember the lyrics that say, "I could stay lost in this moment forever, when every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure..."
When the time reaches 11am, she prepares lunch for the family. My mom and her mom are talking about their typical days as professional nurses, the rewards of being a nurse and the overwhelming feeling of fulfillment when helping others. My dad and her dad are talking about business. She cooks one of my favorite dishes, Braised Beef, which she has perfected while having her OJT in Japan. I could still remember the times we struggled through being seas apart. Nevertheless we defied the distance, the intrigues, and the criticisms. We bridged our hearts with love, sealed it with faith, and relished it with... more love...
Before we ate our lunch, I close my eyes firmly. I can't help but shed some tears. This is the last day of my life. This is the last time that I can see them, together and happy. This is the last time that I can touch a strand of her hair, feel the warm breath from her mouth, smell the scent of her skin. I thank Him, for everything. For everything that happened to me. For granting me with so much blessings. For allowing me to gain friends along the way, from a mere game that they thought only kids can appreciate. For allowing me to find friends that can go beyond the game, willing to share a piece of their lives for real . For my guildmates and the people that I've touched. For my friends that have always been there.
I remember the time that she called me. The time when she asked me to sing Vincent, by Josh Groban. But no matter, I'll just sing How Did You Know by Gary Valenciano. If you'll listen to its intro, you'll hear a calm resonating tune of a flute that eventually swells with the sounds of a whole orchestra.
HOW DID YOU KNOW
I remember so well
The day that you came into my life
You asked for my name
You had the most beautiful smile
My life started to change
I'd wake up each day feeling alright
With you right by my side
Makes me feel things will work out just fine
CHORUS
How did you know
I needed someone like you in my life
That there's an empty space in my heart
You came at the right time in my life
I'll never forget
How you brought the sun to shine in my life
And took all the worries and fears that I had
I guess what I'm really trying to say
It's not everyday that someone like you comes my way
No words can express how much I love you
As I sing the song, I remembered the times we talked for hours laughing, sighing, and crying. I remember those times we came up with words that only we could decipher, and then we'd burst into uncontrollable peals of laughter. I remember... when we cried. I remember... when we almost lost each other.
We then decide to watch movies. Well, I know I only have a few hours left, but it doesn't really matter what we choose to do. It doesn't matter if we'd be in a five-star hotel or a carinderia. What matters is that you are with the one you love, the one you wish to be with despite the distance, the settings, and the pressure of time.
First movie on the line is my favorite Korean movie, My Sassy Girl. It is a cheesy movie but well, it talks about everything. About friendship and love... love that waits and love that was found. I want to watch it with her beside me, feeling her, and enjoying my last moments with her.
As the movie comes to an end, I close my eyes and press my lips to hers. Then I embrace her tight, with the strong conviction that I would never let go. I hold on to the point that I want to stop time and freeze it eternally... but I can't...
We go to the veranda and stare at the cloud-covered mountaintops in the distance. I ask her about her plans for the future. The plans that I wish I could be part of... the plans I can only stare at immaterially... the plans I could only wish to make come true... with her.
It is 3pm and the garden is now in shade. We go back to the grass and lay down. I see the blue clouds passing by again, just like a friend bidding farewell. I close my eyes and think... if I could only whisper to His ears... give me another day with her. But I am not brave enough to question Him. It is part of life. I just smile.
As the family eats together I can just smile at them one by one. I can't speak a word. I just feel so happy, so blessed that my destiny falls down to something wonderful and something special like this. I hold my mom and dad's hand and smile at them as my soul says thank you. I glance at my brothers, and despite the fact that we tend to argue for some moments, I am thankful that they are very, very supportive to me. I can just sigh. But I'm happy.
Time flies when you enjoy it. Sometimes, it goes by so fast that we tend to forget things, or memories, or even people along the way. We tend to miss out on shallow but meaningful moments. And sometimes we just have to learn to live with regret...
When I watched the movie Bicentennial Man for the first time, I never thought it will hit me really hard and touch me deeply. And now, watching it again, it still touches a sensitive nerve in me. It is a sci-fi movie about an android who wants to become human. A futile mission for him. for those who believe that he is only an android, a being that can live almost forever... much longer than a human can. But he wants to be like us, he wants to feel that complex thing called love. Love than can be sweet, love than can be painful. Love that conquered hearts and freed countless souls.
The violin music playing in the background all throughout the movie emanates feelings of joy, love, and belongingness. Andrew, the android who wishes to become human, took two generations to find the love he is looking for. It was a long, tedious quest, but in the end he succeeded. He may have just reached 200 years old, but the victory of actually feeling and actually loving breaks through all artificialities of mankind.
As the movie ended it gave me this feeling that I shouldn't be afraid. It's just a matter of time here on Earth, our existence. A span of time that when we really come to think of it... is merely a wisp of a shadow, and you'll never really notice how fast it is until you've reached your last moments.
It is almost 12 midnight. I feel sleepy... I don my favorite pajamas and go outside to the terrace. We stare at the sky, I can hear some child singing "Somewhere out there". I can remember the memories of my childhood days. The superheroes... the enthusiasm... the curiosity. While staring silently into space, we see a shooting star. I don't really believe that it can grant wishes, but for a moment like this one I am in, I feel like I need a meteor shower for all the yearnings of my heart.
We share the bed... keep each other warm. I sing her a song... In Another Lifetime. I sang softly... my voice quivering as tears threaten to blur my vision. I wish I can stay with her longer... to spend countless tomorrows with her... I embraced her tight and once again wished with all my being that I could stop time... to be able to pour out all the love that I could give her.
IN ANOTHER LIFETIME
I could hold on for a hundred years
When all else is gone
I would still be here
In a memory of things yet unseen
I'd remember all that we've never been
And I cannot wait to see
What life has in store for me
CHORUS
In another lifetime
It would be forever
In another world
Where you and I
Could be together
In another set of chances
I'd take the ones I'd missed
And make you mine
If only for a time
My life would matter
In another life
And I'd stay as strong and I'd stay as true
And you'd have forever now to think it through
Coz I believe what wasn't meant to be
Wasn't meant for now and
Someday you'll see
In a place and time we never know
I'd be standing there waiting for you
We sit facing each other. I close my eyes and pray. I thank Him for a wonderful life. I thank Him for the bittersweet moments, moments of defeat, and moments of victory. I thank Him for letting me share my life with someone special, someone who loves me truly, someone who has always been there. I thank Him for my friends, my family and loved ones. In Jesus' name, this I finally pray... Amen.
I cover her with a blanket as she sleeps. I stare at her as she sleeps and then she suddenly opens her eyes and she smiles back at me. But for some reason... I start to get sleepier and sleepier. I close my eyes and smile... It's been a wonderful life...
As my consciousness slowly fades away... I hear her whisper like someone from afar. I love you James... I love you infinitely... I love you until the end of time...
reflections for one the last time: the virus files
THE LAST DAY VIRUS
by Winter
I have this feeling that if I were to die today...
I would leave the world satisfied...
I have loved you...
And that alone speaks of innumerable beautiful experiences...
Slowly, I feel my consciousness returning, but I don't immediately open my eyes. I hear the cheerful twitting of the birds outside, the rustle of the wind in the trees as the early morning breeze blows, and the echoes of silent conversations coming from outside. And then I feel my hand being cradled in his, and I slowly open my eyes.
"Good morning, angel," he whispers and smiles that endearing smile that I have come to know so well.
For some reason, I feel myself getting all choked up, and I can only manage to smile for him. Perhaps words elude me, for the sheer volume of emotion I am feeling at this moment transcends words. But he nods and squeezes my hand, and I know that as always... he understands.
We get up and then prepare breakfast. Nothing fancy really, just French toast and the usual cold cuts. We share the meal with the entire family, surrounded by cheerful chatter. Our eyes meet across the table and we hold each others' gaze for a moment, and then I realize with conviction that today will be a wonderful day... no matter what tomorrow may bring... even though tomorrow may no longer be within reach.
After clearing the table, we go out to the yard and watch the clouds. I remember when I was a kid... imagining that the clouds are animals chasing each other with wild abandon. We talk about what has been... the time we met through a virtual world, not knowing that we'd fall in love... the times we'd say the same thing at the exact same time, like there's an invisible link between our minds... the times we've laughed and the times we've cried... There is so much to talk about, so much to say, but we eventually lapse into silence, our hearts overflowing with emotion.
At lunchtime, we choose to have the meal outside. Our dads are having an animated conversation about business and our moms are talking about common experiences they have had as nurses. He is unusually quiet, though, and as I look into his eyes I know he is fighting tears. This time, it is my turn to give his hand a reassuring squeeze.
In the afternoon, he sings to me in that tender voice that never fails to bring me to the brink of tears. I rest my head against his shoulder and close my eyes as his song wraps its wonderful magic around me... chasing away the doubts and the fears... pushing the shadows away until all that is left is the constant kindling warmth he holds over my heart, my soul, my entire being...
We then watch his favorite Korean film, My Sassy Girl. I have never watched it before but I remember him telling me about bits and pieces of this love story that he finds to be so meaningful. And sitting there with him, I finally understand why he holds the story close to his heart. As the final credits roll, he touches his lips to mine and then embraces me tight. I feel so safe in his arms, I feel that there is no need to fear anything, and I feel that this love can, indeed, transcend time.
We go out to the terrace and he asks me about my plans for the future. Initially, I was taken aback by the question, because we know full well that with every passing second the prospect of the future grows dimmer. But it doesn't matter. He listens intently as I tell him about my dreams, our dreams. And seeing him here staring intently at me, I know without a shadow of doubt that he would make every single dream come true for me.
Dinnertime arrives and as we all partake of the meal, everyone is unusually quiet and subdued. As I look around the table, I sense that everyone is deep in thought; perhaps all of us, at the back of our minds, are reviewing all of life's lessons and thanking Him for the life He has given. I look at my parents and thank them without words. Just my soul reaching out to theirs, expressing gratefulness for everything they have done for me. I look at my brother and sister, my role models, and I smile at them in thanks. And then I look at him; my twin-soul, the one who shares my love, and a tear falls as I realize once again how much of a blessing he is to me.
We watch another movie after dinner, this time it's Bicentennial Man. The irony in this movie is funny but profound. Humans desiring to create artificial life that could transcend the inhibitions of emotion and death, and an android desiring to be within the human limitations of feeling, of falling, of loving.
The movie ends as the clock chimes midnight. We go out, hand in hand, to the veranda, and while silently staring at the sky we see a shooting star. I couldn't help but close my eyes and I start to make a wish the way I used to when I was a little girl. But then I suddenly stop and realize that I already have everything I could ask for. Glancing at him by my side, feeling his arms around me, I know that God has already given me my own personal miracle.
We go back inside and share the bed. He sings another song for me, so softly and so tenderly, his voice almost breaking with emotion. I look into his eyes as he sings and in his eyes I see a glimpse of immeasurable love, of a promise of countless tomorrows to be spent together should the circumstances have been different... I see myself reflected in his eyes, and I see forever...
Sitting on the bed, holding each others' hand, we close our eyes and lift up a silent prayer to Him, who is our Father. I thank Him for the chance to not merely exist, but to live. I thank Him for allowing me to meet not merely acquaintances, but true friends. I thank Him for giving me a family that not merely guides me, but supports me in all I endeavor to do. I thank Him for letting me share my life with someone who not merely loves me for who I am, but loves me for who I was and who I will be. I thank Him for everything...
We lay down side by side, and he holds me close. I shut my eyes and I could sense him looking at me. I open my eyes again and as his face comes into focus, I smile through tears. He touches his lips to mine and then he leans back and slowly, he drifts off to sleep.
"I love you James... I love you infinitely... I love you until the end of time...," I whisper softly, as I lay down beside him and rest my head on his shoulder. It's been a wonderful life...
Random Ramblings and Reflections
On neo-feminism...
I guess more girls are becoming neo-feminists in terms of self-assertion and self-expression. In general, the trend has been leaning towards a so-called equality of the sexes. This can be good or bad depending on specific scenarios.
Although personally, I still believe that quite a majority of girls are still on the conservative / modest side of the spectrum when it comes to matters of affection. I, for one, lean towards that side as well. Although I believe in work ethics on equality... love and friendship still is different story. I hope guys wouldn't see this in a negative light... as having double standards... But in love, most girls still take on the role of the damsel in distress... craving romance and affection. 
On courtship...
I guess all girls have harbored fantasies of being courted in the moonlight by a certain Prince Charming. Many girls have a need to affirm that they are indeed loved and valued. However, as the old saying goes, different strokes for different folks....
I guess the best advise I could give guys here is to remember that ultimately, you are capable of controlling every situation you find yourself in. If you have the slightest doubt that a girl is giving you false hopes, then don't start lamenting... rather, start some minor soul-searching and rationalization. You guys should be sensitive enough to detect any hint of hope for a connection or the lack thereof.
For some people, love is a game wherein everyone wants to have the best. But then again perfection is relative... And for some people, love is an infinite connection wherein forever is composed of nows. Let's just hope that you find someone who believes in the latter rather than the former. 
On secret marriages...
The ideal would always be having two people in love and having no restrictions on letting the whole world know how they feel. Although there would always be circumstances that may curtail this. The best option here would be to work out all possible wrinkles before deciding to tie the knot. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be free to shout your love for the whole world to see? 
But then again, what matters at the end of the day is that two people have complete faith in their feelings for each other... regardless of whether the world knows or not.
On temptation...
It is inevitable that at one time or another, you will meet someone to whom you will be attracted to. This is normal... we are all humans with the capability to admire others after all... But whether or not we ACT on this attraction would be the true test of love.
Let me share a message my angel sent to me last year...
You can only truly fall in love with one person. And the others? Well, they would just make your heart skip a beat. You'll get to meet a lot of people but there is only one to whom who'll fully give your heart. Sure, you'll get attracted to many, but what you'll have are just empty feelings. Whether you play around or not, there will only be one person for you in the end. It can be hard finding that person and even harder to feel that emotion... But I've been told... It can happen...
to you who mean everything to me...
Never in a million years did I think I'd find someone so utterly and completely perfect; someone who'd make me happier than I ever dreamed I could be; someone that would touch my life so profoundly and just give me a whole new reason to breathe...But then I found you, and I realized that everything I anticipated you'd be, doesn't even compare to who you are...
With each cycle of sunrise and sunset that i see, I find more reasons to feel happy, to be proud, to feel blessed... Each song you sing to me echoes in my soul... so much so that your voice permeates my entire being... suffusing me in a whirl of wonderful colors. It's amazing how, despite the distance, your words find their way into my heart... and even through the profound silence, through the words that aren't spoken, through the emotions that are merely felt... I feel you with me... soul to soul.
Like the whisper of the wind among the blossoms of spring... like a gentle breeze that caresses as lightly as a feather... I feel your presence with me... comforting me in ways no other can. In you I find profound peace... serene love... defined, not by tumultous passion, but by a constant flowing of emotions. You are my answered prayer, my dream come true, my joy of being. With you, I am stronger... happier... lighter... better... With you, I am blessed... and I thank God everyday for allowing a miracle like you to touch my life.
I love you...
